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Divorce FAQ's
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Divorce FAQ'S
Do I need to prepare?
How do I get my spouse to come to mediation?
Who will help me with the calculations?
Don’t I need a list of assets and liabilities and a budget?
How long does it usually take?
What does it cost?
How will divorce affect my credit?
When do I get divorced?
What if my spouse has verbally or physically abused
me?
How does mediation compare to and fit in with
marital counseling, arbitration and litigation? What
if I want to mediate a separation but my spouse wants marriage counseling?
How do we tell the children we’re getting separated/divorced?
What's the difference between a mediated settlement
agreement and an agreement negotiated and drafted by lawyers?
Do I need to prepare?
No. First we’ll have you and your spouse tell us what the
basic facts and the issues are, then we’ll see what homework
needs to be done, if any. (top)
How do I get my spouse to come to mediation?
Let us discuss the mediation process with you first, so you’ll
know how to approach your spouse.
If you’re not comfortable discussing mediation with your spouse
or you two have discussed it and your spouse isn’t interested,
then let us know and we’ll do the convincing. We often find
reluctance to any idea the other spouse has. We’re used to
talking people into giving it a try for at least one session. We
take this part of our job very seriously and our professional mediators
become involved right from the beginning when setting up the first
session is a problem. (top)
Who will help me with the calculations?
Financial issues might include budgets, child and/or spousal support,
assets, liabilities, pensions, appraisals, etc.) Our professional
lawyer-mediators know all about the law and finances. If you need
individual help, we have lists of accountants, financial planners,
appraisers and lawyers who are experienced at helping parties during
mediation. They usually charge a lot less to advise you in mediation
than if they have to advise you and prepare for court. A successful
resolution comes from having all the facts out on the table, including
the financial details. (top)
Don’t I need a list of assets and
liabilities and a budget?
Yes, but not necessarily at the first session. We’ll start
by discussing what brings each of you to mediation and what you
each see as the facts the mediator needs to know. Next we’ll
agree to the issues that need to be resolved. Then by creating a
list of assets and liabilities together at the first session, we
begin a comfortable, working relationship that can carry through
to a successful resolution to all the issues. Then the budget can
be homework for the next session. (top)
How long does it usually take?
It varies. If you two have already reached basic agreement and the
mediator’s job is to help you put it in writing, one session
may be enough. Our lawyer-mediators can then draft a legal, binding
custody and property settlement (separation) agreement for you.
Typically, in order to see that all the facts and financial details
are fully presented and discussed so that both sides understand
what has been agreed to and why they’re agreed to it, expect
to spend on average between 2 to 4 sessions. We’ll let you
two set a comfortable pace, but we’ll keep you focused and
moving forward. (top)
What does it cost?
Call to get our current hourly rate. We use only experienced, trained
professional, lawyer-mediators who are available on short notice
to meet with you on your schedule in our offices. Only lawyers (including
lawyer-mediators) can draft, as a binding contract, any agreement
you may reach. You get 2 for the price of 1. Our job is to help
you do it right, the first time, and avoid the higher legal fees
and many hours you will otherwise spend in negotiations and in court.
(top)
How will divorce affect my credit?
“Divorce can spark money problems for both spouses”
reads the headline of an Associated Press article printed on page
D5 of the May 9, 2002 Free Lance-Star newspaper in Fredericksburg,
VA. When couples split up, their two households cannot be managed
as easily as their previous one household. Often it takes a close
look at the budgets and a flexible arranging of the assets to find
a solution acceptable to both parties. When you decide to let the
judge decide for you and focus on proving your case in a courtroom
battle, you give up your chance to explore the kind of creative
options not available to a judge. As a part of the mediation process,
its helpful to make a detailed review of your expenses, debts, monthly
payments and balance of principal due. You might consider obtaining
your credit report and credit rating from one of the following national
credit reporting bureau’s:
Experian. Website: www.experian.com
or call 1-888-EXPERIAN (888-397-3742)
Equifax. Website: www.equifax.com
or call 1-800-685-1111
TransUnion. Website: www.transunion.com
or call 1-800-888-4213
(top)
When do I get divorced?
After your case is settled in mediation, the attorney mediator will
draft your agreed terms into a binding contract which you will present
to the judge as a part of a no-fault divorce. Virginia law doesn’t
allow our mediators to file your divorce. (top)
What if my
spouse has verbally or physically abused me?
Mediation may be inappropriate if there is a history of physical
abuse. If you believe you are a victim of verbal abuse, threats,
intimidation, demeaning comments, condescending remarks, etc., call
us for a pre-mediation screening. You might also call the Rappahannock
Council on Domestic Violence office at 540-373-9372 (24hr hotline:540-373-9373)
or visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline website at www.ndvh.org
.
Our mediators are trained in spotting and handling dominance and
control and will discuss with you privately how we, with the help
of your attorney if necessary, will empower you to negotiate as
an equal with your spouse. (The parties often put on their best
behavior in the presence of the mediator.) From time to time the
mediator can meet with each of you separately and confidentially
to make sure you are comfortable with the process and to explore
the facts, issues, options, etc. You can even have your attorney
attend the mediation session.
(top)
How does
mediation compare to and fit in with marital counseling, arbitration
and litigation?
You don’t want to participate in a process that will create
more conflict than you already have. Thus you start with discussions
between yourselves. When that doesn’t work, you meet with
a marriage counselor. While engaged in counseling, you might need
a trial or temporary separation which one of our mediators can help
you achieve. If it appears that a divorce is inevitable, you and
your spouse can stay in control of the split-up by making the mediation
session the place where you and your spouse negotiate with the help
of your mediator and if you desire, advice from your lawyers. Arbitration
is rarely used in divorce cases, but it would be a way to have a
third-party make decisions for you without the formality, time and
expense of litigation. Arbitration is a way to get a non-binding
advisory opinion to help resolve a single, difficult issue. Litigation
is what you’re stuck with when counseling and mediation don’t
work for you. Unless domestic violence is involved, it should usually
be a last resort since it can, and usually does, escalate the conflict.
(top)
What if I want to mediate a separation
but my spouse wants marriage counseling?
Negotiators know that often the quickest and most peaceful way to
get what you want is to give the other party some of what they want.
Stephen Covey in his best-seller “7 Habits of Highly Effective
People” says that you should begin with the end in mind. Don’t
rush things. (Haste makes waste and messy divorces. Don’t
corner a snake. Etc.) If you’ll go to marital counseling and
explain your situation, the counselor can help you introduce mediation
to your spouse. The counselor will help you and your spouse see
each other’s viewpoint, understand each other’s feelings
and therefore help your spouse see the reality of the situation.
Mediation then becomes the next logical step. (top)
How do we tell the children we’re
getting separated/divorced?
The best rule is to tell your children enough so they are prepared
for the change to come in their lives but not so much as to frighten
them. The key to talking to children about divorce is to use neutral
terms while describing the truth and avoiding the assignment of
blame. ” Great care must be taken to avoid letting comments
slip which are critical of the other parent or which share a “fact”
which points a finger at the other parent as the cause of the problems.
“Children identify with their parents?they see themselves
as being similar to each of them. A child’s self-esteem is
quickly lowered by negative comments about either parent. Criticizing
your former spouse, therefore, is the same as criticizing your child.
”
The decision of when and how to tell the children is just one of
the many issues that the mediator will help you discuss and resolve.
To avoid the anxiety, tension, and fear of mishaps when telling
the children, some couples prefer to have the children attend a
mediation session where the mediator can help assure that the situation
remains calm and focused properly and that the children’s
questions are addressed in a neutral manner. (top)
What's the difference between a mediated
settlement agreement and an agreement negotiated and drafted by
lawyers?
Only lawyers and lawyer-mediators can draft binding mediated contracts
for other people in Virginia. With a lawyer-mediator you get two
professionals for the price of one. More importantly, when you and
your spouse reach an agreement through the mediation process you
have crafted a living document. Isolina Ricci said it well in her
best-selling book “Mom’s House, Dad’s House:”
“A first-class legal agreement is at best a good piece of
surgery. It does not guarantee recuperation. The agreement is not
enough. Parents need to learn how to make agreements work in daily
life. ” It’s like the difference between losing weight
by a “tummy tuck” instead of by a diet. Are you going
to have your lawyer perform surgery on your marriage or are you
going to have the lawyer-mediator help the two of you stay on a
diet? The mediated interaction of parents leading to a legal written
settlement contract is the beginning of a new working relationship.
Ricci points out that a divorce decree does not teach the parties
how to co-parent after divorce any more than a marriage license
teaches newlyweds how to make a marriage work. Learning how to co-parent
after divorce best begins during mediation not during litigation.
Generally, mediated settlements are reached more quickly and peacefully
and less expensively than settlements negotiated between lawyers
especially after suit is filed. Ricci says “The longer and
the more intense the war, the more potential long-term damage to
their children. ” After your mediated agreement is drafted
by the lawyer-mediator, reviewed by you and things have therefore
calmed down, we then encourage you to have the proposed agreement
reviewed by your personal attorney before you sign it.
(top)
1 Parents Are Forever, © Shirley Thomas, Ph.D., Springboard
Publications, P.O.Box 484, Longmont, CO 80501-484 ISBN 0-9646378-2-0,
pg. 41
2 Ibid, pg. 44
3 Mom’s House, Dad’s House, © 1997 Isolini Ricci,
Ph.D., Simon & Schuster, 1230 Ave.of the Americas, NY, NY10020
ISBN 0-684-83078-7, pg 8.
4 Ibid, pg 8.
5 Ibid, pg 8.
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