Divorce FAQ's
How do I get my spouse to come to mediation?
Who will help me with the calculations?
Don’t I need a list of assets and liabilities and a budget?
How long does it usually take?
What does it cost?
How will divorce affect my credit?
When do I get divorced?
What if my spouse has verbally or physically abused me?
How does mediation compare to and fit in with marital counseling, arbitration and litigation? What if I want to mediate a separation but my spouse wants marriage counseling?
How do we tell the children we’re getting separated/divorced?
What's the difference between a mediated settlement agreement and an agreement negotiated and drafted by lawyers?
Do I need to prepare?
No. First we’ll have you and your spouse tell us what the
basic facts and the issues are, then we’ll see what
homework
needs to be done, if any. (top)
How do I get my spouse to come to
mediation?
Let us discuss the mediation process with you first, so
you’ll
know how to approach your spouse.
If you’re not comfortable discussing mediation with your
spouse
or you two have discussed it and your spouse isn’t
interested,
then let us know and we’ll do the convincing. We often
find
reluctance to any idea the other spouse has. We’re used to
talking people into giving it a try for at least one
session. We
take this part of our job very seriously and our
professional mediators
become involved right from the beginning when setting up
the first
session is a problem. (top)
Who will help me with the
calculations?
Financial issues might include budgets, child and/or
spousal support,
assets, liabilities, pensions, appraisals, etc.) Our
professional
lawyer-mediators know all about the law and finances. If
you need
individual help, we have lists of accountants, financial
planners,
appraisers and lawyers who are experienced at helping
parties during
mediation. They usually charge a lot less to advise you in
mediation
than if they have to advise you and prepare for court. A
successful
resolution comes from having all the facts out on the
table, including
the financial details. (top)
Don’t I need a list of assets and
liabilities and a budget?
Yes, but not necessarily at the first session. We’ll start
by discussing what brings each of you to mediation and
what you
each see as the facts the mediator needs to know. Next
we’ll
agree to the issues that need to be resolved. Then by
creating a
list of assets and liabilities together at the first
session, we
begin a comfortable, working relationship that can carry
through
to a successful resolution to all the issues. Then the
budget can
be homework for the next session. (top)
How long does it usually take?
It varies. If you two have already reached basic agreement
and the
mediator’s job is to help you put it in writing, one
session
may be enough. Our lawyer-mediators can then draft a
legal, binding
custody and property settlement (separation) agreement for
you.
Typically, in order to see that all the facts and
financial details
are fully presented and discussed so that both sides
understand
what has been agreed to and why they’re agreed to it,
expect
to spend on average between 2 to 4 sessions. We’ll let you
two set a comfortable pace, but we’ll keep you focused and
moving forward. (top)
What does it cost?
Call to get our current hourly rate. We use only
experienced, trained
professional, lawyer-mediators who are available on short
notice
to meet with you on your schedule in our offices. Only
lawyers (including
lawyer-mediators) can draft, as a binding contract, any
agreement
you may reach. You get 2 for the price of 1. Our job is to
help
you do it right, the first time, and avoid the higher
legal fees
and many hours you will otherwise spend in negotiations
and in court.
(top)
How will divorce affect my credit?
“Divorce can spark money problems for both spouses”
reads the headline of an Associated Press article printed
on page
D5 of the May 9, 2002 Free Lance-Star newspaper in
Fredericksburg,
VA. When couples split up, their two households cannot be
managed
as easily as their previous one household. Often it takes a
close
look at the budgets and a flexible arranging of the assets
to find
a solution acceptable to both parties. When you decide to
let the
judge decide for you and focus on proving your case in a
courtroom
battle, you give up your chance to explore the kind of
creative
options not available to a judge. As a part of the
mediation process,
its helpful to make a detailed review of your expenses,
debts, monthly
payments and balance of principal due. You might consider
obtaining
your credit report and credit rating from one of the
following national
credit reporting bureau’s:
Experian. Website: www.experian.com or call 1-888-EXPERIAN (888-397-3742)
Equifax. Website: www.equifax.com
or call 1-800-685-1111
TransUnion. Website: www.transunion.com
or call 1-800-888-4213
(top)
When do I get
divorced?
After your case is settled in mediation, the attorney
mediator will
draft your agreed terms into a binding contract which you
will present
to the judge as a part of a no-fault divorce. Virginia law
doesn’t
allow our mediators to file your divorce. (top)
What
if my
spouse has verbally or physically abused me?
Mediation may be inappropriate if there is a history of
physical
abuse. If you believe you are a victim of verbal abuse,
threats,
intimidation, demeaning comments, condescending remarks,
etc., call
us for a pre-mediation screening. You might also call the
Rappahannock
Council on Domestic Violence office at 540-373-9372 (24hr
hotline:540-373-9373)
or visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline website atwww.ndvh.org
.
Our mediators are trained in spotting and handling
dominance and
control and will discuss with you privately how we, with
the help
of your attorney if necessary, will empower you to
negotiate as
an equal with your spouse. (The parties often put on their
best
behavior in the presence of the mediator.) From time to
time the
mediator can meet with each of you separately and
confidentially
to make sure you are comfortable with the process and to
explore
the facts, issues, options, etc. You can even have your
attorney
attend the mediation session.
(top)
How
does
mediation compare to and fit in with marital counseling,
arbitration
and litigation?
You don’t want to participate in a process that will
create
more conflict than you already have. Thus you start with
discussions
between yourselves. When that doesn’t work, you meet with
a marriage counselor. While engaged in counseling, you
might need
a trial or temporary separation which one of our mediators
can help
you achieve. If it appears that a divorce is inevitable,
you and
your spouse can stay in control of the split-up by making
the mediation
session the place where you and your spouse negotiate with
the help
of your mediator and if you desire, advice from your
lawyers. Arbitration
is rarely used in divorce cases, but it would be a way to
have a
third-party make decisions for you without the formality,
time and
expense of litigation. Arbitration is a way to get a
non-binding
advisory opinion to help resolve a single, difficult
issue. Litigation
is what you’re stuck with when counseling and mediation
don’t
work for you. Unless domestic violence is involved, it
should usually
be a last resort since it can, and usually does, escalate
the conflict.
(top)
What if I want to
mediate a separation
but my spouse wants marriage counseling?
Negotiators know that often the quickest and most peaceful
way to
get what you want is to give the other party some of what
they want.
Stephen Covey in his best-seller “7 Habits of Highly
Effective
People” says that you should begin with the end in mind.
Don’t
rush things. (Haste makes waste and messy divorces. Don’t
corner a snake. Etc.) If you’ll go to marital counseling
and
explain your situation, the counselor can help you
introduce mediation
to your spouse. The counselor will help you and your
spouse see
each other’s viewpoint, understand each other’s feelings
and therefore help your spouse see the reality of the
situation.
Mediation then becomes the next logical step. (top)
The best rule is to tell your children enough so they are prepared for the change to come in their lives but not so much as to frighten them. The key to talking to children about divorce is to use neutral terms while describing the truth and avoiding the assignment of blame. ” Great care must be taken to avoid letting comments slip which are critical of the other parent or which share a “fact” which points a finger at the other parent as the cause of the problems. “Children identify with their parents?they see themselves as being similar to each of them. A child’s self-esteem is quickly lowered by negative comments about either parent. Criticizing your former spouse, therefore, is the same as criticizing your child. ”
The decision of when and how to tell the children is just one of the many issues that the mediator will help you discuss and resolve. To avoid the anxiety, tension, and fear of mishaps when telling the children, some couples prefer to have the children attend a mediation session where the mediator can help assure that the situation remains calm and focused properly and that the children’s questions are addressed in a neutral manner. (top)
What's the difference between a mediated settlement agreement and an agreement negotiated and drafted by lawyers?
Only lawyers and lawyer-mediators can draft binding mediated contracts for other people in Virginia. With a lawyer-mediator you get two professionals for the price of one. More importantly, when you and your spouse reach an agreement through the mediation process you have crafted a living document. Isolina Ricci said it well in her best-selling book “Mom’s House, Dad’s House:” “A first-class legal agreement is at best a good piece of surgery. It does not guarantee recuperation. The agreement is not enough. Parents need to learn how to make agreements work in daily life. ” It’s like the difference between losing weight by a “tummy tuck” instead of by a diet. Are you going to have your lawyer perform surgery on your marriage or are you going to have the lawyer-mediator help the two of you stay on a diet? The mediated interaction of parents leading to a legal written settlement contract is the beginning of a new working relationship. Ricci points out that a divorce decree does not teach the parties how to co-parent after divorce any more than a marriage license teaches newlyweds how to make a marriage work. Learning how to co-parent after divorce best begins during mediation not during litigation.
Generally, mediated settlements are reached more quickly and peacefully and less expensively than settlements negotiated between lawyers especially after suit is filed. Ricci says “The longer and the more intense the war, the more potential long-term damage to their children. ” After your mediated agreement is drafted by the lawyer-mediator, reviewed by you and things have therefore calmed down, we then encourage you to have the proposed agreement reviewed by your personal attorney before you sign it.
(top)
1 Parents Are Forever, © Shirley Thomas, Ph.D., Springboard Publications, P.O.Box 484, Longmont, CO 80501-484 ISBN 0-9646378-2-0, pg. 41
2 Ibid, pg. 44
3 Mom’s House, Dad’s House, © 1997 Isolini Ricci, Ph.D., Simon & Schuster, 1230 Ave.of the Americas, NY, NY10020 ISBN 0-684-83078-7, pg 8.
4 Ibid, pg 8.
5 Ibid, pg 8.
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